all you need is love, right?
2003-05-21, 10:08 p.m.

Okay, so Ruben won. Congrats Ruben, but I still wanted Clay to win. Yes, I know he's a big, goofy dork, but he had endearing qualities (though men fail to see them). Anyway, it doesn't really matter because they'll both have record contracts along with Kimberly Locke. So next year we can all go spend $16.99 on an album filled with good vocalists singing cheesy songs.

Are relationships as confusing to everyone else in the world as they are to me? I'm hanging out (and screwing) a guy who I broke up with back in February because I thought he was a player. I still don't know that I've changed my mind on that note, but he seems much more interested in me this time around. I know, I know, this is a good thing, right? Yeah it is because the sex is real good, but I just don't understand what's changed.

Has he suddenly realized what he was missing with me? Being a pessimist, I can't quite believe that. I also don't think that it's because he couldn't find anyone else. He's a hot guy and there's plenty of other girls willing to fuck him. Many of whom are hotter than I am. I know I should just let it go, but that nagging voice at the back of my head keeps telling me not to trust him because I might really get hurt this time. Last time, I narrowly eluded heartache.

I think I'll just keep flying with the attitude that we aren't a couple, but we're not just fuckbuddies either. The thing is that I would love to have a steady boyfriend and all the pros and cons that come with it, but I don't know if I want it to be him....yet. I guess I don't know what the hell we are or will be, but I know that I'm getting off a lot more often this time around than I was on the first try.

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