Does altruism exist?
2003-05-14, 10:37 p.m.

I think I give people too much credit. I seem to have a malfunction in my brain that assumes people have more character than they really do. Because of this, I'm constantly being disappointed. I feel like I give people all I have, but rarely get anything back. Aside from my family and one friend, my life is a series of give-give relationships. I'm not implying that I'm selfless because I'm clearly not, but I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and usually it comes back to bite me in the ass. Maybe I should chalk it up to my altruistic nature, but I've come to believe that nothing is truly altruistic.

I majorly overestimated my boss. I work for a teeny-tiny company. In fact, I'm the only employee for a couple who owns their own billing company. I get paid well and I like my job, but it's a very strange thing being the only employee. And to add another morsel of weirdness, the office is in their house. So besides the couple I work for, my other co-workers are two lovable labrador retrievers. My only other personal interactions at work are with their three lovely children who I really have come to think of as siblings. Being this close to your bosses and their family can backfire. Trust me. It has.

On Friday, Kelley (their oldest daughter) was nervous about her upcoming track meet and whether she would run well. Very nervous. To my amazement, her anxiety quickly became my fault. I have anxiety issues (well-diagnosed and documented). I've been dealing with them since I was a junior in high school, but every now and then, they resurface. Well didn't you know that anxiety disorders are contagious? Neither did I and hell, I was a psych major. My female boss accused me of making her daughter think she had what I have. Unfortunately, Kelley saw me during a panic attack earlier this year, but we've discussed it and she understands what happened. Its ironic that a 16 year old can be more open-minded and intelligent about mental illness than her mother who has a degree in counseling.

Her mother proceeded to compare anxiety to paranoid schizophrenia. The average Joe working in a laundromat knows there's a world of difference there, but my irrational boss does not. She's generally a close-minded, negative person, but I always thought underneath all that gruff exterior, there was a good heart. Now I'm not so sure.

I got an explanation and apology from my male boss who thankfully adores me. She grew up with a schizophrenic mother who tried to kill herself several times. I knew that and I understand that mental health is a scary issue for her, but that's something she needs to deal with. I understand the pain and suffering she must feel, but that does not entitle her to accuse me of something that's not even possible. I know she's upset, but that didn't stop her words from hurting me and making realize that she's not half the person I gave her credit for being.

I really needed to get that off my chest.

On the other hand, I had really good sex last weekend. Apparently, puking in front of this guy is some kind of turn-on since our relationship has improved after that incident. I actually turned down sex with him tonight because I was so pissed off. I think that was a mistake, I want the aftersex cuddling now.

"Every five years or so, I look back on my life and I have a good laugh."

last - next