Moping around
2003-09-20, 12:50 a.m.

I�m not sure why I�m moping around on a Friday night and listening to songs that are guaranteed to make me cry. Garth Brooks, Brian McKnight, Babyface, Ryan Adams. Yeah, I�ll be sobbing in a few minutes.

This weekend Conor and I will have been going out for 4 months. That sounds like mere minutes when I think of my brother with his girlfriend for 3 years, but a quarter-year is looking like a long distance record with my track record.

We were supposed to be together all weekend, but Hurricane Isabel fucked that up. Instead, he�s been on call, working in a shelter and bailing water out of his parent�s boat for two days. I know it�s selfish to be angry with him when he�s out doing good deeds, but I could use a good deed or two. And I�m not just talking about sex. I just want to be with him. We spent last weekend arguing with each other, so maybe it�s better that I�m not going to see him.

I�m the worst person to be in a relationship. If Conor really knew how much I think about us, he�d get rid of me. I question everything. Why can�t I just accept that it seems to be running rather smoothly and let it be? Instead, I wonder. Do I love him like a friend or a boyfriend? Is our relationship based on just sex? Is he going to cheat on me? Do I make him happy?

I analyze every aspect of our relationship down to the smallest detail, so that hopefully if something is going wrong, I�ll be able to prepare myself for it. The irrational part of my brain hopes that if I�m expecting it, the hurt can�t be too bad. I�m like the relationship Boy Scout, be prepared for everything and never let yourself be vulnerable.

I really should stop feeling sorry for myself. There are people five miles down the road floating around their living rooms with no power. At least I'm comfy in my warm, dry house with the distractions of a TV, computer and stereo.

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