Priorities
2003-10-15, 10:42 p.m.

It seems like a sick joke that until someone gets deathly ill, you don�t realize how much you care about them. I�ve had that feeling all day and it just reminds me once more that my priorities are fucked up and I don�t spend nearly enough time with the people who I really care about. Yesterday, my mom told me that my Aunt Nell has melanoma that has metastasized throughout her entire body. It�s in her lungs, her liver and so on. The doctors are giving her a week. I can�t even imagine how that must feel. To know that your life is ending and that you need to say goodbye to your family and friends.

We went to visit her tonight and I was amazed at how peaceful she was. I don�t know if it�s a facade or not, but she seems ready and accepting of her fate. It must take a great amount of faith to meet death without fear and I admire her for it. She was cracking jokes, telling stories, and waving to her boyfriend across the room. I don�t know if her composure makes it any easier on her family and friends though. We�re all glad that she�s not in pain and that it hasn�t been a long, drawn-out, weary process, but no doubt, everyone will miss her. As I was standing in that room last night, I couldn�t shake the thought that I never spent enough time with her. I know she wouldn�t want me to feel that way, but I just wish I had given her more of my time.

She was our next-door neighbor when my family first moved here and she would babysit for me whenever my parents needed someone. As I got older, the visits became less frequent, but she always tried to keep up with what I was doing through my grandparents.

Tonight, she was telling stories about me chasing her cat when I was little and how she always wanted a beautiful granddaughter like me. She remembers me coming over and begging her to plant flowers in the backyard. The funny part was that I refused to get my hands dirty. Guess I was prissy even as a 3 year-old. She was so happy that I was visiting her at the hospital that I couldn�t help thinking that I could have brought her that happiness more often if I had just visited. All too often, I�m surrounded by people who don�t like me and vice versa, yet I don�t make the time for the people who like to have me around and who I enjoy being with. There�s something very wrong with that and it�s been nagging me since I walked out of that hospital room crying. I think my priorities need rearranging. I need to stop focusing on myself and look at the people around me. I wish I could say that I�ll never forget this lesson, but I�m afraid that I�ll fall back into the everyday rut. I need to just remind myself to take the time before I lose it with someone I love even more.

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