limiters of happiness
2003-08-15, 12:40 a.m.

I wish I wasn't such a pain in the ass. My life would be so much easier if I could just be happy with the life I have instead of always assuming that the grass is greener on the other side. I wanted a steady boyfriend, now I want to be single. I wanted a break from college, now I want to go back. I wanted a new car, maybe I should have stuck with the old one. Why can't I just live in the moment and not constantly question whether this is the moment I want?

I'm driving myself to drink by ruminating over my current relationship. Conor is truly a great guy and I have fun when I'm with him and I'm very comfortable with him, but.....why does there always have to be a but? The but is that I can almost state for certain that this relationship is going nowhere. Minus the sex, our interactions are purely platonic. I love him dearly, but not in the romantic, spine-tingly way that I think I'm supposed to.

And I don't think he has those feelings for me either. Which is slightly depressing, but I can't hold it against him when I feel the same way. It just makes me wonder what would happen if something better came along. I know that if I was the one who found someone more captivating, I would want to ditch Conor. I would regret hurting him, but console myself with the thought that he would find someone better than me as well.

The scarier side of the scenario is what if he found someone first. I don't know that I would be heartbroken if our relationship ended, but I would definitely be upset and hurt. I know it's selfish to want to find someone first, but I can't help feeling that way.

I also know that friends often become much more. I've seen it happen, but I just don't foresee that for us. I'm overanalyzing all of this and need to just let things play out, but I can't stop myself from being a person who likes to know how things are going to play out. Or at least think she knows. I'm not on the verge of doing anything stupid like dumping Conor or sabotaging our relationship, but I hope that maybe if I commit some of the questions in my head to paper, I'll stop thinking about them. I'll be sure to tell you if I have any luck.

"People were alway the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself."

-Hemingway

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