A little bump and grind
2003-04-24, 10:15 p.m.

I've been thinking, which is always scary. I wish my brain had an off switch. Sleep is the only thing I've found that close. But anyway, I was reading a friend's diary entry the other day and he was saying that because of his Catholic upbringing, he has trouble distinguishing between sex and love.

Well I'm definitely not Catholic, but I've realized that I don't really distinguish between love and sex. In this utopic world that I pretend to inhabit, I think that sex and love should be inextricably intertwined. If you love someone, you're inevitably going to have sex, and vice versa if you're having sex with someone, shouldn't you love them?

Now, I know it doesn't work like that. I've slept with people that I don't love. But I think I clarify it in my mind by calling it "mindless fucking." However, I've also realized that I'm no good at mindless fucking. These feelings of guilt and shame sneak in and I think (unrealistically), shouldn't I be saving this for someone special?

I tried that for a long time. I was a virgin throughout college. You better believe that was a feat to accomplish, but once I actually had sex, I discover that I'm not really capable of turning down some ass. Hence this makes me feel like a slut after I sleep with this un-special person. Why can't I just admit that I love the mindless fucking and do away with the guilty feelings?

It's maddening. Is it possible to do away with your conscience? Because I want to use R.Kelly's mantra and say, "I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind."

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