Not so patiently waiting for the fall
2003-10-27, 8:39 p.m.

I really have no good excuse for not updating in a couple weeks, except that last week sucked overall and the thought of sitting down and writing about it gave me a panic attack.

I still don't want to talk about my aunt dying or the other crappy event of last week, but maybe it will help if I write about the one that�s still bothering me. As of this moment, I do not have the faintest idea what is happening with me and Conor. He called me last week to tell me that he loves me, but that he doesn�t think that we spend enough time together. Well, I completely agree, but it�s not exactly something I have the power to fix. He works Monday-Thursday 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. and I work Monday to Friday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. That leaves four hours to see each other on the weekdays. During those 4 hours, one of us is usually getting ready for work. So that leaves us with the weekend and usually we�re together for most of that. The weekend before this phone call out of the blue, we were inseparable for 72 hours. So I just don�t know where I�m supposed to find more hours in the day. Does he want me to quit my job and mooch off him? I know he wouldn�t go for that and he�s certainly not going to give up his job considering that he�s an adrenaline junkie and he makes great money. I�m at a loss. Is this all just a segue into breaking up?

As far as I�m concerned, the weekend before the phone call was one of the best we�ve had, which is why I can�t figure out why he brought this up. I thought our relationship was so great after those 72 hours that I floated on cloud nine all day Monday. Isn�t that right when things start to go wrong?

I attempted to bring the subject up on Friday to try and get some idea of what was going on in his Y-chromosomed brain, but he blew me off. Tuesday, he�s adamant enough about it to pick a fight, but on Friday, it�s "oh, I just wish my schedule was different." Tuesday, it�s my fault. Friday, it�s his. Tuesday, he�s 4 days away from getting me in bed, but Friday, the sheets are only about 40 minutes away. Was he just avoiding the subject to dodge the inevitable fight? Because if we had that fight, you can be sure sex wouldn�t have been the first thing on my mind. I spent most of the weekend trying to get some sense of what was going on, but was left with the nagging feeling that he was being fake. I know him well enough to be pretty sure he was hiding something from me, but a huge part of me wants to believe that I�m being paranoid.

I am not enjoying the possibility that I�m sitting around waiting to be dumped. I suppose I could flip the tables and break up with him, but it�s ridiculous to do that before I�m positive that something is wrong. And right now, I�m just hoping that I�m wrong.

You might remember that I�m the girl who said in previous entries that she didn�t think she had romantic feelings for her boyfriend, but that we were just friends who fuck. That may still be the case, but the idea that I could lose him is terrifying me. I don�t know if it scares me to lose the security I have with him as my boyfriend or the familiarity I have with him being a close friend. Either way, I don�t want to go through all the hurt and crying that comes with breaking up.

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